~Vignettes on Etiquette~
Information You Should Know
By Jill Evans Kryston
How Manners Affect Our Lives Today
Manners are universal. Every society throughout the world has a code of conduct by which standards are set for what is considered to be acceptable behavior. Etiquette equates to having traffic signals at intersections. Without proper signals, traveling would turn into utter chaos. Manners are one of the most important ingredients for success in today’s global economy. We have moved from roles to relationships. In today’s society, your behavior and intelligence determine where and how far you will go in life. Soft skills are often more important than technical experience. Hiring, firings and promotions are often based on manners. “Business Boot Camps” for college grads and “Lunch for Success” classes are popping up in cities all across America. Courses in etiquette and protocol are becoming popular tools for success. Manners are the great equalizer.
Why it is Important for Children to Learn Manners When They Are Young
Research has shown children are most receptive to learning manners when taught at a young age. They are more apt to have better reading skills and overall academic success as a result. Furthermore, it is believed possessing good manners will help teens make better choices when they are faced with negative peer pressure. The lessons children learn early will stay with them and become life skills just like reading, writing, and arithmetic. We are not born with these skills. In order for these skills to become part of us, they need to be put into practice regularly. Often parents feel frustrated because they think they are not getting their messages across to their children. They shouldn’t get discouraged and give up trying. Studies have shown individuals are more receptive to etiquette instruction when it comes from an outside source. It reinforces what parents are trying to teach. This is why we are seeing etiquette schools and protocol programs cropping up across the country.
Manners Shape Character
Manners are empowering and are an integral part of success. Having good manners helps an individual build confidence, increase self esteem, and improve communication skills. Good manners and etiquette help people make friends more easily and create positive impressions on others. We only have one chance to make a first impression! Manners provide an extra edge that will make the difference between you and the other person. Additionally, etiquette and protocol provide the guidelines for individuals to manage social and business environments effectively. Equally important, manners create civility which helps people resolve conflict and confrontation without aggression. Practicing good manners earns respect. When we feel confident in social situations, we are able to relax, put our best foot forward and enjoy ourselves.
How Manners Have Changed
Good manners have shifted over the past generations from "caring for others" to "pleasing ourselves." With pleasing ourselves comes a loss of respect for one another, and consequently, incivility is a growing problem. There are many theories about how we got to this point. Some feel the social changes of the 1960s and 1970s have been an important factor in redefining the old norms and changing social codes. Experts believe the parents of that generation were so busy adjusting to their new roles, teaching common courtesies to their children got pushed by the wayside. We’ve become a society who's distrustful of social rules because we think they will bring back the old gender roles. Also, we did away with the rules that weren't fair, the rules that didn't treat people as equals, and in the process some of the good went out with the bad. Still, others attribute the decline in etiquette to post-World War II prosperity. They say we are spoiled. Today, many place the blame on parenting skills. Sociologists claim we make children think they're invincible through what psychologists call "cheap self-esteem," and give them a sense of entitlement that has helped to create a narcissistic and egocentric population. Too, in recent years we have witnessed a change in the work place where employers have relaxed the rules in an attempt to adopt to our ever-increasing casual lifestyles. Some think this has played a part in our having relaxed attitudes towards protocol. Enter into the mix the influence of television with its poor role models and inappropriate social nuances. Adding insult to injury, the Internet has come along and allows us to say whatever we want whenever we want without taking responsibility for our words. Additionally, electronic communication has helped to diminish our ability to effectively communicate face-to-face. All too often the lack of good communication and social skills results in unresolved anger and a lashing out. We can remember the tragedy of Columbine High School to understand this principle. Sometimes, it can take only one act of rudeness to bring on a horrific calamity.
Have We Lost The Art Of Common Courtesy?
No where are manners on display more than at the table. The rules of the table are like rules of any game you play... in order to play it well, you need to know the rules. It does not take much to discover how lax our behavior has become when we witness diners in restaurants, their arms and elbows sprawled over the table, talking with their mouths full, blowing their noses and grooming themselves. Lack of manners is not only about the table, it’s about selfish, inconsiderate, and rude behavior in general. Examples of culture rudeness show up when pushing in line or driving aggressively. We are forgetting to use basic and simple words such as please, thank you, and excuse me. Respect is no longer automatically given. We are passing off responsibility for our own behavior and that of our children to other parts of society. Have we become a society who values rudeness over civility?
Thinking Outside of Yourself
Far too often we are preoccupied with how life affects us. Putting the needs of others before self is not only liberating, it has far-reaching benefits for the individual and the betterment of society as a whole. Giving a helping hand with a heavy package will lighten a burden. Holding the door for a stranger can be contagious. Looking a person in the eye and extending a handshake with a smile can brighten the day. The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is not passé. If we stop to think how our behavior affects others, we can make better choices. In turn, a well-mannered individual will be considered gracious and stand out in the crowd, not to mention serve as a model example to others. Research shows people cannot be truly successful in relationships without civility. When we don’t have successful relationships, it is unlikely that we will find happiness in life. Did you know that giving a compliment is like giving a gift to someone that doesn’t cost you anything? Good manners are not about doing everything perfectly right, they are about being thoughtful and using common sense, about choosing civility over rudeness.
Manners Are For Everybody
Some people may not understand the relevance in etiquette training. They may think the notions of protocol and civility are quaint and out-dated concepts. Many also believe manners are only for the elite, the privileged or the country club set. The good news about manners and etiquette is that they are not just for the “manor born.” Etiquette is for everyone who wishes to improve themselves and make a difference in the world. Manners cost little and pay big dividends. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu once said, “Civility costs nothing and buys everything.” Her words remain true even today. Good manners still open doors. We all have a responsibility to be civil and treat each other well. On the other hand, you may feel embarrassed or intimidated that you do not know all of the “rules.” This should not become a stumbling block for not trying to learn. Many people work on mastering their skills throughout a lifetime. Everyone has room to grow. Possessing good manners is one of the best investments you will ever make.
